Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize
