my phone needs a breathalizer
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Randomize
