I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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