You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
