She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
