i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
