I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
So. Much. Porn.
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