i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
