Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
