I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize