If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
