I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
This is my gift to your gina
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
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