I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I want to fling myself into the sun
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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