i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
