Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
