So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Can you repeat that, but with context?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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