When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
