i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
