idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
So many bounce houses so little time
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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