he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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