You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize