if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
