I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
