new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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