I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
