That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I touched a dick in church today
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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