my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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