I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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