My underwear smells like fireworks.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
