take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
