Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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