So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
