a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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