can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
no, he came in my armpit
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Randomize
