I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
