There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
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