dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Randomize
