She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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