me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
not ubering you a puppy
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize
