well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
