You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
