I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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