I don't usually arrange sex via text message
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
