Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
