My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
