i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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