Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
