I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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