You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
