I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
