dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
