I am spending my child support on dildos
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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