How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
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