some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
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