I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
