Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
