i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
How does it feel to date your dad?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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