sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
