Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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