Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
