Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize