Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
