If you die in college, do you die in real life?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
