Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
