Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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