I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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