Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
