his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize