My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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