1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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