She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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