We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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