My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
