We're facebook friends in real life
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
