I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
